The Six Needs of
Conflict
Douglas E. Noll, Esq.
May 2005
In over 1,100 mediations and
peacemaking assignments, I have seen six needs expressed
repeatedly. These needs have been frustrated by the conflict and
have driven people to litigation, anger, and hostility.
Interestingly, the court system does not satisfy many of these needs,
yet people persist in seeking legal redress. Even more
interesting, many people do not see mediation or peacemaking as
processes that satisfy these needs, even though they are the only
processes that can do so.
The six needs are: Sense of voice, Validation, Vindication,
Procedural Justice, Wanting to Make a Difference, and Safety.
These needs all exist to some degree in every conflict. They
sometimes are contradictory, which leads to the common paradox that
people often do not know what they want from resolution. Let’s
look at these needs a little more closely.
Sense of Voice. If people sense a dispute arising, they need to
voice their concerns. Having voice means being listened to by
others. Thus, sense of voice requires the listener to hear with
understanding. This is why the earliest indication of conflict
escalation is a lack of empathy. When people can no longer hear
and understand each other, they lose their sense of voice. Thus,
people shout in argument because they are trying vainly to be heard.
Validation. Everyone has an opinion and a perspective, especially
in conflict. Each person believes he or she holds a monopoly on
truth and the other side is wrong. Thus, people need to be told
and hear that their perspective is valid and understandable. We
all are finely tuned to detect insincerity, exploitation, and
manipulation in others. Therefore, validation does not occur from
condescending, pop psychological active listening, but from authentic
desire by others to understand. Of course, in conflict, this
ability for many deteriorates rapidly and validation becomes a
difficult need to fulfill.
Vindication. Vindication is simply the need to feel right. At an
extreme, vindication translates to “I win; you lose.” This is an
identity-based need and relates to face-saving. Because threats
to identity and loss of face evoke a powerful pre-conscious
neuropsychological response in the human brain, being proven right can
be a consuming drive. In my previous life as a trial lawyer, most
of my clients sought litigation for the purpose of vindication.
If I was retained to defend clients, they were more interested in
vindication (“I did nothing wrong.”), than anything else. As a
peacemaker, I often hear people put principle in front of settlement,
saying “I would rather pay my lawyer than pay that (expletive) one
penny,” or “It’s the principle of the thing.” These are clear
statements of the need for vindication.
Procedural Justice. Telling one’s story to a respected,
impartial, and neutral authority figure turns out to be an important
need in conflict. Sense of voice, validation, and vindication are
supported when a third party listens. Social psychological research in
the procedural justice field demonstrates that substantive outcome is
far less important than a feeling that the process has fairly and
impartially allowed stories to be told. This is a personal need;
consequently, many people feel frustrated by a court system that does
not allow them to tell their stories in their way.
Want to Make a Difference. If you read last month’s column, you
will recall that I wrote about the need to make a difference.
This need arises from a deeper need to create meaning in life.
Many people pursue disputes so that “others will not have to go through
what I did” or because “I want to make a difference.” In essence,
the need to make a difference defines the conflict in terms beyond the
individual, giving the conflict a transcendent value. When taken
to extremes, this need leads to highly escalated, ideological
conflicts. The public debate over the last days of Terry
Schiavo’s life illustrates a private and intensely personal conflict
driven by the need to create meaning.
Safety. People want to feel safe. Conflict creates anxiety,
which is the emotional warning signal to pay attention because the
situation is potentially dangerous. In many cases, physical and
financial safety is at issue. Safety also concerns personal
control over one’s life and environment. Because conflict is a
dance between two or more people, loss of control and a loss of
personal safety is common. One of the reasons people feel great relief
when a conflict is resolved through mediation or peacemaking is relief
from anxiety and restoration of personal control.
If you are in conflict, ask yourself which of these needs are
active. Write down the needs in order of importance. Under
each need, write down why the need exists, how it could be satisfied,
and what good things would happen to you if the need were
satisfied. Then ask yourself what resolution process might best
meet these needs. This simple exercise will give you clarity in
finding peace.
Douglas E. Noll, Esq. is a lawyer specializing in peacemaking and mediation of difficult and intractable conflicts throughout California. His firm, Noll Associates is based in Central California. He may be reached through his website and email at doug@nollassociates.com
© 2005, Douglas E. Noll