Douglas E. Noll, Esq.
November 2004
Recently, I have been
thinking about the relationship between conflict, peace, and
resistance. Resistance describes some force that opposes movement
in a given direction. Sometimes, we view resistance as good and
sometimes as bad.
In conflict, people may experience resistance as stubbornness or
inflexibility by the other person. Frustration mounts as the resistance
in the conflict increases. Often, resistance and frustration act
together to escalate the conflict to a higher stage. I have
wondered whether this negative effect of resistance might be transmuted
to a means of achieving peace.
In tai chi and Akido, resistance by an opponent results in the
opponent's surprise at flying across the mat. Softness and
yielding by the practitioner are signs of mastery of these martial
arts. Could not the same idea be applicable to achieve peace.
What are the possibilities? First, one could move completely away
from the resistance of the dispute. We call this behavior
"avoiding." Many people avoid conflict because it provokes
anxiety. When the resistance is avoided, the underlying problem is not
addressed, but the anxiety caused the problem is reduced. Some
people would rather reduce anxiety by giving up on themselves than
confront the resistance of the conflict. . To lessen the
anxiety, they move away from the situation causing the conflict.
Of course, the conflict remains unresolved and often escalates.
One could also confront the resistance with equal or greater
resistance. We call this behavior "contending" or
"competing." The conflict is transformed into a battle or game to
be won or lost. The winner is the person with the most power, skill, or
luck. Again, the underlying problem is not addressed, but the
conflict is abated. I think of the resistance and strength of
will of a two year old and the energy a caregiver must exert to
overcome that will. The child will capitulate in the face of
greater power, but not gracefully. So meeting resistance with
resistance may not be optimal. Between adults, no person likes to
be told what to do. When unwanted orders are given, the orders
may be met with passive aggressive disobedience, insubordination, and
hostility. These are all forms of counter-resistance.
A third possibility is to connect with the resistance and become joined
to it. In tai chi, it is called "sticking." The practitioner
literally adheres to the opponent and moves with the opponent's
center of mass and balance. The opponent, having nothing to push
against, finds his or her strength rendered useless. In conflict,
this could be achieved by simply not reacting to the resistance of the
other party. The "sticking" technique might be accomplished by
focusing on the other person's real needs or perceived
injustices. This takes practice and skill, and like tai chi, is
effective at neutralizing power.
Another possibility is to look at the resistance of the conflict as a
form of mental/emotional weight training. We go to the gym and
lift weights to condition and strengthen our bodies. Weight
lifting, whether with free weights or machines, is called resistance
training. As most know, putting muscles under moderate strain by
moving weights causes the muscles to grow. Our peacemaking skills
might be developed the same way.
When faced with conflict, using the resistance training metaphor, we
can exercise attitudes and skills otherwise neglected. The
emotional heat of conflict could be the ideal training for
compassionate, focused listening. Our untrained, weak "peace
muscle" might cramp or spasm, causing us to become caught in anger,
anxiety, and hatred. Our conditioned, toned "peace" muscle,
buffed with practice, gracefully and gently engages in the
conflict. Instead of cramps and spasms, the "muscle" flows with
the conflict by staying present, focused, and emotionally aware.
Take moment now and reflect on your most recent conflict. What
was the type of resistance you experienced? How did you react to
it? Now, imagine that instead of avoiding or counter-resisting,
you simply allowed the conflict to flow around you effortlessly.
What does that feel like? Practice this a few times in your
mind. Then, when you find yourself in conflict, see if you can
engage your “peace” muscle by letting go of the resistance. You
will find, with practice, that your conflicts will become much less
stressful.
Douglas E. Noll, Esq. is a lawyer specializing in peacemaking and mediation of difficult and intractable conflicts throughout California. His firm, Noll Associates is based in Central California. He may be reached through his website and email at doug@nollassociates.com
© 2004, Douglas E. Noll