“Dad, can I have the car tonight?”
“No. Remember the last time you drove it, you left the tank empty.”
“But Dad---“
“No buts. When you show some responsibility, you can borrow the
car.”
The teenager storms out of the house, slamming the door as she goes.
“Dad, I think we should invest in the new production line.”
“No. I don’t want to put any more capital into the company.”
“But Dad, we can’t meet customer demands as it is. How do you expect
us to grow if we don’t expand?”
“No buts. As long as I’m running the company, I say how things
will be.”
The 41 year old MBA graduate daughter, furious, stalks out of her father’s
office.
Conflict in all families is both normal and inevitable. As family
members move through life, their needs, interests and expectations change.
Consequently, there is plenty to dispute. Conflict in business families
is even more expected and inevitable. More significantly, the stakes
are higher because the wealth of the family is often based on the business.
Furthermore, the business has employees, customers and vendors, and is a
valuable taxpayer in the community. The fate of all of these stakeholders
could hang in the balance as family members engage in internecine warfare.
How families handle conflict thus becomes a matter of great importance.
In a recent issue of Conciliation Quarterly, Henry Landes provided
an interesting analogy to describe the differences between family and family
business conflicts. Most “normal” families can handle their conflicts
with basic conflict-solving tools. Simple respect, listening, and
remaining open to new ideas are effective tools. Landes calls this
the “wheel barrow” model of conflict resolution. Like a wheel barrow,
these tools are simple, easy to use, light weight, and user-friendly.
When used correctly, the wheel barrow can make the conflict resolution
jobs around the house much easier.
Landes points out that business families need more sophisticated conflict-solving
mechanisms. He calls these mechanisms the “pickup truck” model of
conflict resolution. Family business conflicts require more capacity
to handle the complexity of business issues that are overlaid onto relationship
issues. Thus, the truck bed must be large enough to carry all of the
extra baggage. Four wheels are needed, instead of one, to provide stability
for the heavier load. Shock absorbers (forgiveness and humor) are
necessary to smooth out the difficult parts of the conflict road. Good
tires (emotional elasticity) are essential to deal with the bad weather and
rough roads presented in conflicts. Finally, to drive a truck requires
an owner’s manual (rules for dealing with family business conflicts), driver
education (training), and a license to drive (competency). Experience
helps too.
Trouble arises when family business members try to use a wheelbarrow
when a truck is required. What worked when Jill was 16 probably will
not work when she is 35. More trouble arises when family business
members become adept at pretending that conflicts do not exist. The conflicts
in these families become taboo such that implicit agreements arise to ignore
them. The conflict taboo often leads to one or more family members
leaving the business with bitterness on all sides.
Family business members looking to upgrade from a wheel barrow to a
truck should ask the usual buyer questions. How big a truck do we
need? Will a half-ton pick up do or do we need a double-wheeled,
tricked out four wheel drive posi-traction two and half ton (with chrome
and running lights). In other words, how extensive should our skill
sets be? Do we buy or do we rent? In other words, should we
bring in a peacemaker to help us haul some heavy loads? Are we willing
to invest in high quality shock absorbers so that we can have some fun and
be willing to forgive? Will our tires be cheap and likely to blow
out or more expensive and therefore durable? In other words, how
much flexibility are we willing to invest into each other? What kind
of an owner’s manual do we need? What rules and agreements do we need
so that conflicts can be handled effectively? What kind of driver
training do we need? Do we bring in coaches, read books, or go back
to school to learn new skills. Finally, will we be driving our truck
around the farm or on the highway? The highway will require a driver’s
license and significantly more competency. If we think our conflicts
will be complicated, perhaps a driver’s license is a good idea.
Wheel barrow or pickup truck? As carpenters say, use the right
tool for the right job.
Douglas E. Noll, Esq. is a lawyer specializing in peacemaking and mediation
of difficult and intractable conflicts throughout California. His firm,
Douglas E. Noll and Associates is based in Central California. He may
be reached through his website
and email at doug@nollassociates.com